What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
