I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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