I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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