One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
