My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize