I just saw a hot homeless man
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize