um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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