She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
