I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
