Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
