i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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