....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
