Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
