Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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