my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
