Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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