I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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