Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
