I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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