i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
