i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i would one night stand the shit outta him
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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