so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
