You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
