sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if only i could text you this smell
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Is Oprah even human
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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