I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
