I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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