So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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