i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
How's work?
Spinning.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
