I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
