I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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