Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
