He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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