no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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