oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
He passed out mid-signature
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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