I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
the condom got lost in my hair
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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