soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just invented taco cereal.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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