I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
