You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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