I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
