It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She just used a chaser for red wine.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
