Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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