how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
