I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
