Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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