Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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