He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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