How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
