i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
