just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
