Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
