I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize