My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My dick has a subreddit
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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