There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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