When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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