If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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