the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize