i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
