I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
