I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
