you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I supernannyed him into submission
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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