If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
