She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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